Escape From a Gulag Guy-A Wacky Tale

Posted byNancy HomlitasPosted inCrime, Habits, Supernatural, suspense, Vehicles, VirtuesTags:, , , , , , , , , ,

My husband, Michael, and I recently revisited the historic Ohio State Reformatory, renowned for being haunted. We intended to photograph everything unearthly within the prison’s creepy, ghoulish halls. Because we’re free-spirited flower children from the last century, we didn’t schedule a tour in advance.

As it turned out, it didn’t matter what we had our hippie hearts set on. Proverbs 19:21 tell us regardless of what we plan, it’s the Lord’s decision that endures.

When we arrived, Michael asked about the tour schedule. The wait would be two hours. Meanwhile, we’d tramp around the reformatory grounds and snap pictures. Unfortunately, a carnival of food vendors cluttered the front of the prison. We searched for an unobstructed angle with the enthusiasm of a couple of bricks.

I climbed an incline to capture a clear image of the side of the reformatory. Michael called out, “Come down! You’re taking pictures too close to the correctional facility behind the reformatory. They’ll confiscate your camera!” We were warned about this on a previous tour.

Then he whisper-yelled in a voice that echoed three times around the reformatory. “Video cameras are recording you!”

Too late.

I tucked my bulky Nikon camera-with a zoom lens the length of a humongous bratwurst-inside my jacket. Did they have an enforcer-a gulag guy? They must! Flushed with fear, I looked like a glowing granny with a bun in the oven. Even worse, Michael’s eyeballs began to pop out from the thought of a two-hour wait.

We had to escape!

We jumped back into our car and headed home, almost a two-hour drive. After being on the lam for an hour, the congested four-lane highway curved around road construction. Our getaway vehicle hit truck debris and pinged.

“Did you hear that?” Michael asked. I had, but the car still propelled forward so we continued on in the center of swarming ant-like traffic.

Then another ping. The oil light flickered on and off. Then PING, PING, PING!

During stressful times, memories are foggy, but our conversation went something like this:

I suggested, “Let’s pull onto the berm so other drivers have a shot at running us over.”

So Michael navigated to the right lane just as an exit appeared.

“Battling traffic is lots of fun,” he commented, “but should I get off here before the car explodes?”

“Yes!” I said. “We don’t want other drivers toasting marshmallows in our trail of flames.” Or the gulag guy overtaking us to make sure my camera is toast!

We managed to make it to a gas station with a convenience store. We parked and looked over our 2010 Lexus. Its underbelly glistened with oil-black gold, Texas tea (Beverly Hillbillies). Michael called a roadside service. The wait for a tow truck would be an hour and a half.

We have a fun goal of finding a dollar in change every month, so I began searching for lost coins. I picked up two pennies before wandering into the store to check out the fake food. The air tasted like Doritos. Looking past the nachos, pork rinds, and donut holes, I grabbed Michael a pack of peanuts. I wanted him to stay alive.

After delivering his snack, I strolled over to the back corner of the parking lot. My jaw dropped. A scattering of change was lit up by the sun. Like a squirrel gone psycho, I zigzagged herky jerky grabbing coins that seemed to sprout out of the asphalt. I discovered a dime and 28 pennies and reported the find to Michael.

Instead of doing cartwheels, he phoned the call center again. The truck would be delayed another hour. Curiously calm, Michael stood by the car eating peanuts and staring at the road. He blinked rapidly to keep his eyeballs in place. If he spotted the gulag guy while watching for the truck, this twitching man of steel would protect me.

I went back into the store. The cashier, talking in Hindi to someone on his phone, paused and asked, “Do you still wait for duh druck?”

“Yeah, the tow truck is delayed for another hour,” I told him. “Can you please direct me to the bathroom?”

“It iz in duh back,” he pointed. “Duh lighting iz a problem.” He continued his phone conversation in Hindi.

There was definitely a lighting problem. There was no light. I locked the door and a faint glow seeped through the bottom crack. I fumbled around for the toilet. But in a gas station, it could be a bucket or a toilet-sink combo. Hopefully, I found it.

Now, smelling like rotisserie wieners and exhaust fumes, I continued looking for coins everywhere but in the dumpster. I didn’t want Michael to pretend he didn’t know me. Nevertheless, foraging like a goat has its perks. I found 30 cents more.

I followed the advice in Romans 12:12 to “Rejoice in hope, endure in affliction, persevere in prayer.” And after two hours and 45 minutes, a tow truck arrived.

The driver cranked up our car onto the flatbed, looked underneath it, and marveled at the oil blowout across the undercarriage. Then he invited us to hitch a ride home in the cab of the truck. He didn’t know we were fleeing from a gulag guy.

On the way home, the friendly driver told us about a trailer home he’d purchased for his family of five. “I paid $6,000 dollars for it and fixed it up. We were so glad to get out of the house we were renting. It was $1,400 a month!”

“Our trailer is perfect!” he chirped. “It has two bedrooms-one for our three girls and one for my wife and me.” He took a few swigs of his energy drink. “They even let me park my truck in front of the trailer park. We just love it!”

He had me sold on trailers. I was ready to go out and buy one from the scrapyard.

Then Michael and the driver got into an exciting conversation about the Vikings. No, not the Minnesota Football team-the seafaring warriors from a thousand years ago. They bantered back and forth about the savages who painted themselves with their victims’ blood and ate raw meat.

I pictured parasitic worms squirming around in their ancient messed up guts.

Surprisingly, after arriving home, I still wanted to eat. I reheated leftover sauerkraut and sausage, took two bites, then spit out the second bite. It crunched like eggshells. The next bite crackled. I gulped hoping nothing too gruesome had crawled down my throat.

Ravenous, I took another bite. The same thing-crunch, crunch, crunch. Finally, I found what felt like a rat’s tooth. Between my fingers, a shard of glass glistened. The gulag guy didn’t get me, but my sauerkraut did.

We’d planned to photograph weird things at the reformatory, but my fears spawned the gulag guy. Did he exist? I envisioned an enforcer snatching my camera-so he became as real to me as the prison ghosts.

When we didn’t wait for the tour and left, it paved the way for a fun day at the gas-mart. That’s not all. Our car didn’t become a barbecue grill, an awesome tow truck driver rescued us, and I ate someone’s good China and didn’t die. Does it get much better than that? Yes, I still have my camera!

Psalm 118:24 says: “This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice in it and be glad.” And I am!

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Published by Nancy Homlitas

The stories and photographs I share are meant to brighten moods and spawn smiles. There's nothing more hilarious than a true experience, especially in hindsight! And there's nothing more uplifting than a pleasing picture, particularly if it enhances a story. As a feel good bonus, blog posts will include relevant bible verses.

128 thoughts on “Escape From a Gulag Guy-A Wacky Tale”

  1. I enjoyed this tale as if I were one of the ghosts of the reformatory witnessing how the day went on for you two! 😀

    that tow-truck driver was being awfully friendly for being an accessory to your illegal photography hehe 😀

    i am sorry to have read of your misadventure waiting for the tow truck though and of the convenience store bathroom being what it was. and finally, i’m glad that shard of glass didn’t cut you.

    btw – i had an earlier iteration of that Lexus SUV. i swear it was THE best, most comfortable vehicle I have ever owned!

    what a great post Nancy – I enjoyed reading every word of it 😀 Mike

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    1. I wrote this tale in hopes that readers would get a chuckle out of it, so I’m pleased you enjoyed it. We bought our Lexus a couple years ago from our daughter who needed to upsize to a (gasp) mini van. You’re right-it’s a fabulous car to drive. I still can’t figure out all the hoopla on the dashboard even though it’s 14 years old. Thanks for taking the time to comment, Michael. Just a tip-I know you prize your camera, so always wear a bulky jacket so you can hide it from the gulag guy lurking in the shadows. 🙂

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      1. hehe 😀 i rarely even use most of the features on my dashboard now so I can understand. I am actually looking at the newest year of these Lexus RX350s and wondering if the need is there for a smaller lighter vehicle for myself.

        if i weren’t so busy most days albeit happily, i would go and take different pictures in different places to get my cameras really working. if i can schedule something, i’ll make sure i have a bodyguard or something so people like the gulag guy can’t automatically take the camera 🙂

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        1. The most annoying thing in newer vehicles (I’m talking 15 years old and younger-haha), is programming radio stations. In my 1999 Toyota Camry, I flip to the station, press a button, and I’m good. Not so in my 2010 Lexus. Enjoy your cameras and share the joy with your readers! 🙂

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    1. No apologies necessary, Maggie! I’m glad you found our misadventures amusing. I got lots of laughs out of them and was hoping readers would, too. If you ever plan to travel to the Ohio State Reformatory, wear a bulky jacket. 🙂

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  5. What a wild adventure … It’s amazing how even unexpected moments can turn into fun memories. I’m glad you both made it through with your camera and your sense of humor intact …

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  7. Besides the enormously entertaining story, I thoroughly enjoyed replaying the theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies. I always got a kick out of reviewing the credits since the actor playing Mr. Drysdale was Raymond Bailey ~ also my Dad’s name.

    Jack is also a master scanner of parking lots for dropped change. Now he has me doing it. We’ve amassed quite the change collection between the two of us.

    Thanks again for the wonderful story. So glad the Gulag Guy didn’t get ya. 😊

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    1. Thank you, Dodie, for your kind comments. We must have the same sense of humor. When I started writing about our car gushing oil, the Beverly Hillbillies’ theme song immediately popped into my head-and never left it! You would’ve had star status as a kid because your dad shared a name with Raymond Bailey. That’s funny you both scan for lost coins. When we’re short of our dollar goal near the end of the month, I go on the hunt. The Gulag Guy probably has a wanted poster with my video-taped face on the prison walls. I appreciate your opinion, Dodie. Thanks again! 🙂

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      1. Wrote a whole long comment which they said “Could not be posted.” Loved your story, Nancy. So humorous and relentlessly positive. I wished I had a piece of your optimism and ability to find fun in anything!! Great post!!

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        1. I’m sorry you had a problems sending your comment, Ellen. Fortunately, the second one got through. I appreciate your compliments-you’re very kind. Thanks for visiting my blog and sharing your opinion, Ellen! 🙂

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  10. I’ll try leaving my comment again. Lately, WordPress periodically gives me some message saying it can’t accept my comment. Yet, after I type it a second time, it always goes through. Do you think Gulag Guy is involved?

    Hilarious stuff, Nancy. The image of food trucks outside a prison is a slice of Americana. But where were the amusement park rides?🤣

    Do you think it’s a problem that I can still sing along with the Beverly Hills theme song? My wife is not impressed that I can still rattle off the characters: Granny, Jethro, Jane Hathaway, the Drysdales, and my personal favorite (Elly Mae). Okay, cut me a break. I was 9.

    According to my calculations, you only need 26.4 more years of collecting coins to pay for a new oil pan. Thanks for the laughs.

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    1. I think it’s more the Word Press Guy who’s messing up messages. Gulag guy is clueless about tech stuff. It was around Halloween when we encountered the food trucks in front of the prison-and Halloween is their biggest event of the year. The Beverly Hillbillies theme song is an ear worm. Once you hear it, you can’t get it out of your head. I’m sure your wife appreciates it when you sing it. There weren’t that many good tv shows on during that era, so you’re in good company knowing all the characters. It was actually the oil cooling return pipe (?) that had to be replaced on our car. We usually find more than a dollar a month in change, but our goal is a buck a month. Thank YOU for the laughs, Pete! 🙂

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    1. The oil cooler lines had to be replaced along with putting a new oil filter and oil in it. It was not cheap, but at least it was nothing that, once fixed, affected its performance. The relief was not breaking down in the middle of unforgiving traffic and causing wrecks and/or other drivers to be delayed. Thanks for visiting my blog and commenting, Rubens. 🙂

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    1. Haha! Thank you for sharing your thoughts about my day on the lam, da-AL. I’m glad you got a few laughs reading the post. By the way, I love the picture of you with your dog. Take care! 🙂

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    1. Yes, it was an unplanned adventure, but it proved to be quite an interesting one! Your superhero, Batman, must have been busy or he would have rescued us from the highway. Thank you for commenting, SlimJim. 🙂

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  16. You turned what could have been complaints into comedy, Nancy. (Well-written too!) Thank you for a delightful read of the Misadventures of M. & N. Thankful also you escaped the Gulag Guy, that Tow Truck Driver turned out to be so pleasant, and you didn’t swallow that piece of glass!! (I once discovered a piece of metal in our peanut butter, wrote the company a letter, and received two jars free in the mail!)

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    1. I appreciate your compliments about my account of our “misadventures,” Nancy. The tow truck driver made space for Michael and I to squeeze into the front seat of the truck for the 50 minute ride home. I wanted to meet his family which he spoke so highly of-refreshing! And I probably did swallow a few little chunks of glass in my first few bites, but I lived to tell about it. We’ve likely eaten more foreign objects in our food than I’d like to think about. Thank you for your kind thoughts, Nancy! 🙂

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  17. That was so much fun, Nancy. You made me laugh through the whole post.

    Your camera shoot story reminds me of a time my then 19-year-old son and I were in Portugal. He was an art student and enjoyed taking photos of architecture to draw later. After shooting one building, we quickly found ourselves surrounded by military pointing weapons at us. They let us go when they learned we were Americans. We didn’t know we were shooting photos of the American embassy.

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  18. Nancy, your chosen title invited me into this wacky tale. I guess I was curious about the gulag guy. Thanks for the tip about the camera. Living near Columbus, maybe I can persuade my wife to make a trip to Mansfield.

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    1. Happy birthday month, Pete (?)! You’ll love touring the Ohio State Reformatory should you decide to visit. Just don’t go around Halloween. That’s when they set up the food carts in the entrance leading to the reformatory. Thanks for visiting my blog and commenting. If it hasn’t been long-welcome to the state! 🙂

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    1. Thanks for letting me know you were amused, Debi. I’m grateful for your opinion. That was nice of you to allow the little girl to keep whatever coins she found. It gave her something fun to do while waiting-and it’s no secret kids just love to wait! 🙂

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  23. It’s a shame your black gold and Texas tea find didn’t make you a millionaire! My goal of this year is to learn to laugh with joy – even in the challenging adventures that turn into hilarious stories! A good, humorous attitude is always a winner!

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    1. Thank you, MaryLeigh, for visiting my blog. I’m sorry your comment ended up in my spam. You have a wonderful goal for this year. Challenging adventures aren’t usually funny when you’re experiencing them, but hindsight provides lots of laughs! Good luck with your goal, MaryLeigh. Stay uplifted! 🙂

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    1. I’m so glad you enjoyed reading about our fun day. Life can be more exciting than we anticipate sometimes. Our loot is saved in a container earmarked for the year it’s found-so no cupcake! Thanks for visiting my blog and sharing your thoughts, Kathleen Jenette! 🙂

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    1. Thank you for sharing your thoughts about my memorable day at the gas-mart. I appreciate your feedback and am happy to know you enjoyed the post. God bless you, too, Katie! 🙂

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    1. Thank you, Marla! I’m so delighted to hear from you. Your bubbly exuberance always comes through in your comments and posts. I hope all is well with you, your family, and your rabbit friends. God bless you, Marla! 🙂

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    1. The shard of glass was either in the sauerkraut or the sausage. I was chewing on both when I crunched down on it. The color of the glass didn’t appear to be from any plate or drinking glass that I own. I try not to eat my dinnerware. 🙂

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        1. Maybe I’m not so wise. I kept crunching away on what ended up being little shards of glass. I couldn’t clear them out of my mouth before I swallowed. They were the freakist thing to chew-like gnawing on diamonds.Haha! 🙂

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  35. What a wild and wonderful rollercoaster of a read! 😂 From haunted halls and invisible gulag guards to rogue bratwurst-sized camera lenses and prophetic oil leaks—this had me laughing, cringing, and nodding in awe at your ability to turn chaos into comedy. The blend of Scripture, slapstick, and storytelling was just divine! ✨

    Your adventure proves that detours often hold the best stories, and sometimes the most unexpected moments (like discovering spare change and glass-laced sauerkraut) remind us that life, in all its messy glory, is still very much worth rejoicing in.

    Thank you for sharing this hilariously human tale—I smiled the whole way through! 💛

    P.S. Fellow story lovers, don’t miss out on more laughter and light over at this blog. And if you’re into twin mom tales, feel-good chaos, and honest parenting moments, come say hi on my blog Twin Chaos & Toddler Giggles at twinmom73.wordpress.com or on Instagram @twintales2025. Let’s keep laughing through life together! 🌻📷

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    1. Thank you, Diya, for visiting my blog and applauding my efforts to tell a story. It’s very kind of you to take the time (and with three little ones!) to let me know what pleased you as a reader. I’m delighted you were entertained by our wacky tale and were able to laugh along with us about our (mis)adventures. I peeked at your blog and will definitely revisit it! 🙂

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    1. Hi, Linda! Yes, it was quite a memorable outing with much praise to God for our safety. And, I’m now wary of the particular brands of sauerkraut (or sausage?) that had the shards of glass. Thank you for visiting my blog and sharing your opinion, Linda. 🙂

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  37. Nancy, this sounds just like something that would happen to me (and an unspecified number of cousins on my side of the family😏)! Glad you weren’t hurt by the glass. I didn’t get off that easily when a chip from the pyrex lid of a casserole sliced into my tongue when I decided to taste ONE bite of the finished product. The good news there is that it happened to me (What are the chances?) and not the sick person I had made dinner for! I didn’t enjoy dumping it all and starting over, but I was very grateful I hadn’t injured my friend!

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    1. The trick to eating glass, Annie, is to keep chewing it until it disintegrates into little harmless shards. You obviously bit off more than you could chew! Thanks for visiting my blog and sharing your story, Annie:)

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  38. Oh my goodness—this was an adventure and a half! From gulag paranoia to roadside peanut rations, every line had me smiling (and wincing a little at the sauerkraut finale 😬).
    I absolutely love how you turn a frustrating, totally off-script day into a hilarious story wrapped in gratitude and Scripture.
    It’s a great reminder that joy often hides in detours—and that sometimes, the best tales are found when everything goes “wrong.”
    Thanks for taking us along for the ride (thankfully without the glass shards)!

    With admiration for your wit and heart,
    — A fellow day-turns-weird survivor

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    1. You’re welcome, and thanks for taking the time to let me know what pleased you about this wacky adventure. You’re right-there’s more intrigue in a story that has a turn of unexpected events then one that is more like a calendar of events. Your kind compliments are much appreciated. Good luck to you! 🙂

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    1. That’s great! I’m glad you got some chuckles reading about our successful getaway from the Gulag Guy-even though we needed a tow to complete our escape. Thank you for sharing your opinion and your kind comments. 🙂

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    1. And I’m blessed to meet another blogger who shares the same sense of humor! Thank you, Rene, for letting me know you got a few laughs-and you’re my sister-in-Christ. God bless you! 🙂

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    1. You’re absolutely right, Ritish. Memorable moments are more likely to just happen. Planned events are usually remembered more for the unplanned moments that happen during the event. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Ritish. 🙂

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        1. I asked the Help Assistant on Word Press and this was the answer I received: I can help with that! When you’re replying to a comment on your WordPress.com site, you can’t directly upload images within the comment reply itself – WordPress comments are text-only by default. However, you could add an image to a blog post and then reference it in your comment reply, or include a link to an image hosted elsewhere.

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  49. Pingback: R Meadow Highlights #9 | R M Meadow

  50. What a wonderful chuckle you provided through this edge of the seat, twist at every turn retelling of you and your husband’s (mis)adventures. Thanks so much for sharing this story. I’m so glad you managed to stay grounded in the Word throughout. Blessings.

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